Don’t Lose Yourself on the Way Up

A few years ago, I ran into a senior leader I used to report to early in my career. He had moved on to a much bigger role, a much bigger title, a corner office, the works. By every definition we use at work, he had “made it.”

But something felt off.

He spoke differently. He carried himself differently. Even his sense of humour, the thing I remembered most about him, the easy laughter, the genuine warmth, was gone. In its place was this careful, guarded version of a person who seemed to be performing a role rather than living it.

I left that meeting thinking about something that has stayed with me ever since. Somewhere along the way, in chasing success, he had quietly left behind the person he actually was.

And honestly, I don’t think he’s alone. I think most of us, at some point in our careers, face this exact pull.

When you start out, nobody tells you that climbing the ladder often comes with an unspoken cost. Be more “corporate.” Don’t show too much emotion. Don’t disagree too openly. Speak the language everyone else speaks, even if it doesn’t sound like you. Slowly, without realising it, you start editing yourself. A little less of your humour here, a little less of your opinion there, until one day you look in the mirror and the person staring back feels like a stranger wearing your face.

I remember going through a phase like this myself. There was a period when I was so focused on being seen as the “right kind of leader” that I stopped being myself in meetings. I’d hold back things I genuinely believed in because they didn’t match how a “senior HR leader” was supposed to sound. I got the results. The promotions came. But there was this quiet hollowness that success alone couldn’t fill.

What changed it for me was a conversation with a young team member, let’s call her Priya. She was nervous about raising a concern with leadership, worried it would make her look difficult. I told her something I genuinely believed, that the people who actually grow in their careers are usually the ones who stayed honest, not the ones who stayed quiet.

And as I said it to her, I realised I needed to hear it myself too.

I think real leadership isn’t about how well you can play a role. It’s about how much of your real self you can bring into that role and still be respected for it. The leaders people remember, the ones whose teams would walk through fire for them, are rarely the ones who were the most “polished.” They’re the ones who stayed human. Who admitted when they didn’t have an answer. Who laughed at the same jokes as everyone else. Who treated the office boy with the same warmth as the CEO.

There’s a quiet kind of courage in staying yourself when everything around you is pushing you to become someone else. It’s much easier to put on the armour everyone expects. It’s much harder to walk into a boardroom and still be the same person you were with your friends over chai the night before.

I’ve also come to believe that purpose and authenticity are deeply connected. When your work feels like it’s pulling you away from who you are, something inside starts to feel empty, no matter how big the title gets. But when your work allows you to bring your real self, your values, your way of seeing people, your sense of humour, even your flaws, that’s when success actually starts to feel like something worth having.

Looking back at that leader I met years ago, I don’t think he set out to lose himself. I think it happened slowly, one small compromise at a time, each one feeling harmless on its own.

That’s the real lesson for me. Success doesn’t usually take you away from yourself in one big dramatic moment. It happens quietly, in the small choices we make every day, about what we say, what we hold back, and who we pretend to be.

The real challenge isn’t reaching the top. It’s reaching it and still recognising the person who got there.

Because in the end, no title, no designation, and no corner office is worth as much as being able to look in the mirror and still see yourself.